I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize