Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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