I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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