I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
