you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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