Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
