I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
