ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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