Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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