guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
