Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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