My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
