ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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