I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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