Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
