My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
