Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
