I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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