phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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