I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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