Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
