Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
