they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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