It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
