My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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