i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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