so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
