I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
