pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
