I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
