If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
