so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
