She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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