Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
