no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
