Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
