Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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