Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
