Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
