He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
