Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
