She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
