mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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