Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
