ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
