I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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