my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
