I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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