Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's blow job season.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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