she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
