you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
