The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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