I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My cat gives me a boner
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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