hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
