He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Randomize
