After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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