I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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